Book Review: Shut Up and Stay Married (The Secret to Marriage Success) by Yisroel Roll

Shut Up and Stay Married
The Secret to Marriage Success
Author:  Yisroel Roll
Publisher:  Leviathan Press
Copyright:  2010
Pages:  108
Genre:  Self-help
Includes:  diagrams, forward, epilogue
ISBN 978-1-881927-02-0

Source:  a copy was provided by the author and Bostick Communications in exchange for an honest and unbiased review.

www.shutupandstaymarried.com

From the cover:  REVITALIZE YOUR MARRIAGE

Why Do One of Two Marriages Fail?

In this groundbreaking, easy-to-read book, psychotherapist Yisroel Roll helps you discover the secret of a successful marriage.  It's not about your spouse or what you can do for your spouse.

The secret lies with you.

This transformative book offers hands-on strategies to breathe new life into relationships. You'll learn simple techniques you can use every day to

• Find happiness in marriage
• Get along without hurting each other
• Prevent small arguments from escalating into major blowups Build an atmosphere of trust in your home
• Rekindle the deep feelings spouses once had for one another
• Feel good about yourself-and your spouse

You'll also discover how to create a happy family, empower your kids, and motivate them to thrive.

Yisroel Roll, a psychotherapist in private practice, has inspired and helped improve thousands of marriages. A dynamic motivational speaker, he has presented marriage workshops around the world.

My Review:  What is the secret to a long and loving marriage?  When reading the title you might think, "oh great, so I'm just so supposed to put up with the *****."  That is not at all what psychotherapist Yisroel Roll advises in Shut Up and Stay Married.

Have you ever had the "foot in mouth" syndrome?  You say something, criticize, advise, correct, or whatever, but it only works to make things worse, resulting in just the opposite of what you had hoped.  Did you ever stop to think that it might be how you said it or what you said.  That sometimes "silence is golden?"

I learned a lot from this book which can be read through rather quickly but I'd advise reading it a little more leisurely and do the exercises within.  As a psychotherapist and schooled as a lawyer and as a Rabbi (though the book doesn't mention that he serves as one), Yisroel Roll puts in plain and simple terms, with tangible examples, the tools of communication.  Use "I" instead of "you" as in "I feel embarrassed" rather than "you embarrass me", for example.  There are so many relevant suggestions and exercises for relationships, both marital and parental, that will aid the reader in developing strong and trusting relationships.  Yisroel Roll notes that most marriages he consults on have difficulties because one or the other of the couple has a low self-esteem.  Taking it from this standpoint, he offers exercises to build esteem (a good exercise for everyone as we all go through trials that shake our feelings of adequacy and self-worth), emphasizing the good and building upon these traits to build the individual up.  

"The Key: Marriage success depends on your view of YOURSELF not your view of your spouse. If you see yourself as a worthy and valuable individual you will be able to Shut Up and Stay Married when your spouse says something hurtful or when your spouse does something you don’t like."

Shut Up and Stay Married is divided into three areas of emphasis as follows (taken from the author's website): 

Part 1

Instead of being hurt and insulted when your spouse  says that she is disappointed with you or he says that you were inconsiderate, the book will teach you how to be “good with yourself” so you don’t feel the need to respond with your own negative comment.

Marriage success has been shown to be based on the ability for a spouse to “repair” the negative comment received from her counterpart. The techniques in Shut Up and Stay Married show you how to become untouchable and unaffected by a spouse’s negative  comment by grounding and centering  yourself . These techniques will build more than your self esteem-they will help you build a “self”.

With your “self” intact you can learn to say: “I understand  you are upset by what happened. Let’s talk it through”. This will stop the escalation of an argument and allow spouses to maintain composure and maturity when they discuss a contentious issue.

Part 2

The book also provides hands on techniques to build a healthy relationship through positivity and effective compliments

Part 3

The self techniques also apply to raising children and the book illustrates effective strategies to motivate children for success and healthy self esteem. 

Shut Up and Stay Married is an excellent resource whether you are looking for peace and harmony in  your marriage or as a family.  The principals taught here can be exercised in everyday living as well, making this an invaluable guide for everyday living.  

Rated 5/5